This is a good moment to blog my next entry. I feel a little defeated and a little restless; mostly impatient and disengaged from the life I've created - the people I know and the people I meet.
I was sure I'd feel emotional and sad when moving out of my apartment. But I think I'd mentally prepared for that day. Going to my favorite Oakland haunts, walking the streets, sitting in the park -- saying Goodbye. So when the day came to leave, I walked out of the apartment with nary a fare thee well.
I've still got some emotional baggage and trash to clean up in the apartment but for the most part I'm done.
No, in this moment I feel old. And tired.
I hate this part of my life.
Now that I've made the committment and am seeing the ripple effect of change in my thinking, in my spending, in the people I'm meting; all of a sudden it seems like I have too much time and too little time before I can leave.
There is too much time to have to come to work. Too much time to have to lose the freedom and independence of my own apartment. Too much time alone. Too much time spent explaining and justifying my decision. Rationalizing my future -- all hinged on a bet of self discovery and enlightenment.
There is too little time to learn a new language. Too little time to secure employment. Too little time to gain my certifications. Too little time to make arrangements for living abroad. Too little time to pay off my debt and save a healthy nest egg.
Too little time to be afraid.
I'm ready now and I'm no where near ready. It is the juxtaposition of my life right now. An intrapersonal conflict - being torn between "want" and "should".
How often do we sit in this place? Wishing for one thing only to get trapped by the reality of another. Reality sitting on your face.
The million dollar question is "what do you do to survive the time?".
Hmmmmmm, maybe I should start there...
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