The Parable of the Talents

I discovered something sad about myself. I can't remember ever committing to something wholeheartedly. I've committed to things but I've never committed in a way to be the absolute best. Which is ironic because I want to be the best at something. I can feel it in me, that desire to be the best. To be more than average, to do more than average and to have an exceptional life. I feel it in me. Not just the desire but the capability. This isn't some idealistic fantasy. I know I'm capable. And even with this inherent knowledge I choose to only do just enough to not be average which has landed me exactly where I don't want to be, AVERAGE. And worse yet, If you scale my accomplishments I'm less than average.
My fear is that what I beleive I'm capable of isn't enough to ever be great. But I know now that I use that fear to be less because it's easier than committing to something and being MORE.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the "The Parable of the Talents". God gave talents to everyone. Some received as few as one talent and others may have received many. There was a man who received one talent and he didn't want to waste it so he buried it to keep it safe. And later when confronted by God, proud of his thoughtfulness explained his rationale to keep the talent safe not realizing that by burying his talent he'd forsaken God. His one talent was just as critical to be developed and shared as the man with many talents. And by burying the talent it was a loss to the world.
My prayer is that this journey will expose me. To myself. And if I'm going to learn. If I'm going to discover. I'll have to committ fully - with every thing I own and everything inside of me. I have to. Or I will have wasted my life.

It dawned on me...

I've never actually said what I am going to do have I?  Well here it goes.  I am going to give up a 12 year career making a six figure salary so that I can buy a 1 way ticket out of the country (to Italy) without a plan...  Tada!!  Yeah, crazy, I know.  And what's scary is that this really is the entire plan.  There is no catch at the broke end of this tunnel.  This is it.  This is all. 
The best part (wait for it) is that to fund this little adventure I need to give up my fabulous apartment (which houses ALL my shoes) and live with my mom (love you Mom!) for the next 10-12 months so that I can pay off my debt and save money.    sigh...

But (yes there is a "but"), to my benefit, I am a planner by nature, so, while I have no foresight into my future beyond the potential of a life in a beautiful country, I can at least make the process of getting (and landing) there as smooth as possible. 

So I created a checklist:

• Live in Italy (stop---you can't stay for more than 90 days- shit...) OK, let's start over...
• Find a job (that failed; there are no jobs for ex-pats in Italy; only shopping)
• Find a job (OK, i can teach English)
• Learn how to teach English - no seriously:  TEFL
• Get a Work Visa (hahahahahaha...)
• Find a place to sleep - http://www.easystanza.it/
• Learn Italian - (good luck with that one...) 

That is as far as I got.  Sad I know but I'm trying to build this checklist but I'm jumping through the four quadrants of ignorance here (strangely known as the Four Quadrants of Knowledge - seriously, it is). 

1. What I know  - which is nothing
2. What I know I don't know  - which is allot
3. What I don't know I know - which is that rare common sense thing
4. What I don't know, I don't know   -  this one is just cruel...

So, to keep myself from spinning (out of control) I've decided to settle the planning process into two areas "what I can control" and "to hell with everything else".  And, in order to get through this without alcohol, I'm splitting my mind into two areas as well, "obsessive planning" and "it will all work out". 
We'll see how that works out. 

What am I doing now, you ask?  Well, I've decided to work on the following (3) things; Learning Italian, Saving Money, Settling Debts.  So far I'm doing great!  Molto Bene!!  Sono impressionanti!! 

OK, OK, with all of this being said (and done), I have to say...  I am excited. 
Keeping it real, I believe that action causes re-action.  Since I've made this decision I've been meeting people who've done what I am going to do.  I have friends who've started catering to my goals; sharing information, sharing opportunities and giving me support and love. 

But most importantly, I've noticed that I'm different.  Focused.  Ironically, I feel like I'm settling into a life.  I rarely feel settled because I always feel restless about my life, my future and living to my potential.

It's dawned on me that maybe unsettling my life is what I need to find my place in it. 

Too much time/ Too little time

This is a good moment to blog my next entry.  I feel a little defeated and a little restless; mostly impatient and disengaged from the life I've created - the people I know and the people I meet. 

I was sure I'd feel emotional and sad when moving out of my apartment.  But I think I'd mentally prepared for that day.  Going to my favorite Oakland haunts, walking the streets, sitting in the park -- saying Goodbye.  So when the day came to leave, I walked out of the apartment with nary a fare thee well. 
I've still got some emotional baggage and trash to clean up in the apartment but for the most part I'm done.

No, in this moment I feel old.  And tired. 
I hate this part of my life. 
Now that I've made the committment and am seeing the ripple effect of change in my thinking, in my spending, in the people I'm meting; all of a sudden it seems like I have too much time and too little time before I can leave. 

There is too much time to have to come to work.  Too much time to have to lose the freedom and independence of my own apartment.  Too much time alone.  Too much time spent explaining and justifying my decision.  Rationalizing my future -- all hinged on a bet of self discovery and enlightenment.

There is too little time to learn a new language.  Too little time to secure employment.  Too little time to gain my certifications.  Too little time to make arrangements for living abroad.  Too little time to pay off my debt and save a healthy nest egg. 
Too little time to be afraid. 

I'm ready now and I'm no where near ready.  It is the juxtaposition of my life right now.  An intrapersonal conflict - being torn between "want" and "should". 
How often do we sit in this place?  Wishing for one thing only to get trapped by the reality of another.  Reality sitting on your face. 

The million dollar question is "what do you do to survive the time?". 
Hmmmmmm, maybe I should start there...

A first time blogger

It surprised me how quickly you can set up a blog.  I didn't expect it to be so easy.  I thought it would be mounds of needless confusion requiring a brainiac or at least a web savvy slickster.  But, it was surprisingly easy.  Even the choices were simple; and I've learned that I-like-simple.

Why have I done this?  Started a blog?  Well I've decided to alter the course of my life.  Drastically and without any probes into the consequence it can have - which is so not me.  I weigh risks and make decisions based upon the best outcome or least impactful, least painful; prefering most fruitfull and most safe.  With this change I won't have a clear path to walk.  No ideas of grandiosity in a chosen field to pursue, no educational plans to upskill my abilities, no sure fire direction I can march to... nope, I'm stepping out on faith and a prayer that this will all "work out" and that my path will materialize - waiting for me. 

As a consummate planner this will be the test of my lifetime.  I do this because I know my dreams won't survive if I don't do this.  And so I am afraid. 
And so it begins...