As a 38 year old woman looking to unsettle an unsettled life I fear what is down the road for me. Moving to Italy will be about me and making a future for myself, not about finding love but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope love will come to me there.
What frightens me is the ever turning marriage/ divorce situation throughout America. Love and Marriage just doesn't seem to work. And it isn't always about infidelity, it's anything that makes you believe less in your ideal relationship. And you start to feel like you're settling.
Relationships are hard. And as I get older, they become scarcer. I had a date ask why I hadn't been in a relationship in 3 years and I really didn't have an answer. I can say to myself that I don't want to get involved because I'm leaving, but when I leave I'm not sure I'd be any more open to love.
And Italy can't solve that for me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Shiny Red Ball Syndrom
I'll need to find reinforcements...
Friday, September 2, 2011
Fashion Exposure
One of the many things I committed to doing was gaining exposure to the Fashion Industry. While I intend this trip to be an opportunity to discover what I want to do with the next phase of my life, I cannot deny my love of fashion and the possibility that Fashion is where I belong right now. So, while in San Francisco I've decided to see where I could volunteer, intern, donate time so that I can get that exposure.
It's funny, as soon as I put a feeler out there, I've had some really nice people say that I could come in and hang with them for a day, be a part of the dreams to put photo shoots and shows on. I'm really excited because I realize that this is all going to come true. I guess now we'll see what happens next.
Here's hoping. I'll keep you posted!
It's funny, as soon as I put a feeler out there, I've had some really nice people say that I could come in and hang with them for a day, be a part of the dreams to put photo shoots and shows on. I'm really excited because I realize that this is all going to come true. I guess now we'll see what happens next.
Here's hoping. I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The Recognition Dinner becomes the recognition of change
I received a formal invitation from my CEO and the SVP of my department to attend a private event at a fancy hotel including Cocktails, Canapes and Dinner to recognize the work I, and 40 other people, did to successfully separate our single company into two distinct entities. Not surprsingly I was one of the few African Americans in attendance (my CFO was one of them) but at my table I was the lone African American female. What did me in was the mixture of people; all caucasian. Besides one other woman, the table of 10 was all male.
Funnily enough I'd forgotton all about the event until my VP reminded me. My department was hosting a "town hall" that day at a BOWLING ALLEY (JEEZ!!) and I'd worn jeans and a company henley - not at all appropriate for Cocktails and Canapes!! So I went to a high end consignment shop and purchased a second hand silk crepe sleeveless black wrap dress with the perfect crickled effect, a pair of second hand Jimmy Choo sandles, rhinestone earings I clipped onto the waste wrap tie for "bling" and a cheap gold chain neclace I wrapped around my wrist to create a bracelet. I was chic and loving it! At my table I was surrounded by executives, managers, and sharp individual contributers all wearing (including the only other female) hideous variations of the classic button down suit shirt. Stripes, patterns, color blocks. No ties or tailored suit jackets, french cuffs or tailored vests. It was like they all wanted you to know that they were professional but not stuffy. They were "leaders" but not too rigid; never out of place in corporate America. They were cardboard cut-outs of corporate drones with no personalities and no sense of individuality.
I realized then how much we give up of ourselves to fit into the "work world" and be successful. As I sat there in my chic attire, receiving many compliments on my clearly appropriate fashion choices I was again the minority. I realized I was as vocal and diverse in my work ethic as I was in my fashion sense. And again I felt very lonely and out of place. I was transported to one of my favorite movies, "Working Girl". "You're the first woman I've seen in one of these things that dresses like a woman, not like a woman thinks a man would dress if he was a woman..." Jack Trainer (played by Harrison Ford). LOL...
I'm ambivalent to work now. Confused by the lack of diversity in an ever changing world and an increasing growing global society. Companies spout diversity but they have no real interest in creating diversity within their organzations; although they know they won't survive without it. When I say diversity, I don't just mean race. I mean the things that make us special, unique, human. At this event, everyone was dressed alike; akin to the leader, the CEO, who was clearly conservative but wants to be "relatable" to the many Contact Center workers that dominate our company population and are now spread throughout the country; Oklahoma, Utah, Nevada, Delaware, New Jersey. We are no longer a "California based company" and yet we still won't diversify our thinking, our staff. Everyone is still the same, generating the same ideas.
My colleage told me that he read an article that said if you speak up (3) three times in every meeting you are more likely to get promoted. Then he jokingly said, I don't understand why you havent been promoted yet. (hahahaha). It is well known and widely spread that I ask questions, I speak up. His statement sticks with me for some reason. Maybe because I don't understand why I havent yet been promoted either. But it leads me full cicle to where I am today.
For fashion and the opportunity work within the industry and to see if it is my passion life; I'd take any shit job to get in the door and learn. For HR where I've dedicated ten (10) years, I'm not willing to move to another role to broaden my horizon for the possibility of becoming an Executive. Fuck HR.
But It does raise the question. Am I being passed over at the mistake of my leaders? Or are they right in that there is "something" holding me back from being the superstar; a something I'm not willing to push for to get that next level role. Maybe it's all true.
It is for this reason and many others that it's time for me to go...
Funnily enough I'd forgotton all about the event until my VP reminded me. My department was hosting a "town hall" that day at a BOWLING ALLEY (JEEZ!!) and I'd worn jeans and a company henley - not at all appropriate for Cocktails and Canapes!! So I went to a high end consignment shop and purchased a second hand silk crepe sleeveless black wrap dress with the perfect crickled effect, a pair of second hand Jimmy Choo sandles, rhinestone earings I clipped onto the waste wrap tie for "bling" and a cheap gold chain neclace I wrapped around my wrist to create a bracelet. I was chic and loving it! At my table I was surrounded by executives, managers, and sharp individual contributers all wearing (including the only other female) hideous variations of the classic button down suit shirt. Stripes, patterns, color blocks. No ties or tailored suit jackets, french cuffs or tailored vests. It was like they all wanted you to know that they were professional but not stuffy. They were "leaders" but not too rigid; never out of place in corporate America. They were cardboard cut-outs of corporate drones with no personalities and no sense of individuality.
I realized then how much we give up of ourselves to fit into the "work world" and be successful. As I sat there in my chic attire, receiving many compliments on my clearly appropriate fashion choices I was again the minority. I realized I was as vocal and diverse in my work ethic as I was in my fashion sense. And again I felt very lonely and out of place. I was transported to one of my favorite movies, "Working Girl". "You're the first woman I've seen in one of these things that dresses like a woman, not like a woman thinks a man would dress if he was a woman..." Jack Trainer (played by Harrison Ford). LOL...
I'm ambivalent to work now. Confused by the lack of diversity in an ever changing world and an increasing growing global society. Companies spout diversity but they have no real interest in creating diversity within their organzations; although they know they won't survive without it. When I say diversity, I don't just mean race. I mean the things that make us special, unique, human. At this event, everyone was dressed alike; akin to the leader, the CEO, who was clearly conservative but wants to be "relatable" to the many Contact Center workers that dominate our company population and are now spread throughout the country; Oklahoma, Utah, Nevada, Delaware, New Jersey. We are no longer a "California based company" and yet we still won't diversify our thinking, our staff. Everyone is still the same, generating the same ideas.
My colleage told me that he read an article that said if you speak up (3) three times in every meeting you are more likely to get promoted. Then he jokingly said, I don't understand why you havent been promoted yet. (hahahaha). It is well known and widely spread that I ask questions, I speak up. His statement sticks with me for some reason. Maybe because I don't understand why I havent yet been promoted either. But it leads me full cicle to where I am today.
For fashion and the opportunity work within the industry and to see if it is my passion life; I'd take any shit job to get in the door and learn. For HR where I've dedicated ten (10) years, I'm not willing to move to another role to broaden my horizon for the possibility of becoming an Executive. Fuck HR.
But It does raise the question. Am I being passed over at the mistake of my leaders? Or are they right in that there is "something" holding me back from being the superstar; a something I'm not willing to push for to get that next level role. Maybe it's all true.
It is for this reason and many others that it's time for me to go...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Parable of the Talents
I discovered something sad about myself. I can't remember ever committing to something wholeheartedly. I've committed to things but I've never committed in a way to be the absolute best. Which is ironic because I want to be the best at something. I can feel it in me, that desire to be the best. To be more than average, to do more than average and to have an exceptional life. I feel it in me. Not just the desire but the capability. This isn't some idealistic fantasy. I know I'm capable. And even with this inherent knowledge I choose to only do just enough to not be average which has landed me exactly where I don't want to be, AVERAGE. And worse yet, If you scale my accomplishments I'm less than average.
My fear is that what I beleive I'm capable of isn't enough to ever be great. But I know now that I use that fear to be less because it's easier than committing to something and being MORE.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the "The Parable of the Talents". God gave talents to everyone. Some received as few as one talent and others may have received many. There was a man who received one talent and he didn't want to waste it so he buried it to keep it safe. And later when confronted by God, proud of his thoughtfulness explained his rationale to keep the talent safe not realizing that by burying his talent he'd forsaken God. His one talent was just as critical to be developed and shared as the man with many talents. And by burying the talent it was a loss to the world.
My prayer is that this journey will expose me. To myself. And if I'm going to learn. If I'm going to discover. I'll have to committ fully - with every thing I own and everything inside of me. I have to. Or I will have wasted my life.
My fear is that what I beleive I'm capable of isn't enough to ever be great. But I know now that I use that fear to be less because it's easier than committing to something and being MORE.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the "The Parable of the Talents". God gave talents to everyone. Some received as few as one talent and others may have received many. There was a man who received one talent and he didn't want to waste it so he buried it to keep it safe. And later when confronted by God, proud of his thoughtfulness explained his rationale to keep the talent safe not realizing that by burying his talent he'd forsaken God. His one talent was just as critical to be developed and shared as the man with many talents. And by burying the talent it was a loss to the world.
My prayer is that this journey will expose me. To myself. And if I'm going to learn. If I'm going to discover. I'll have to committ fully - with every thing I own and everything inside of me. I have to. Or I will have wasted my life.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It dawned on me...
I've never actually said what I am going to do have I? Well here it goes. I am going to give up a 12 year career making a six figure salary so that I can buy a 1 way ticket out of the country (to Italy) without a plan... Tada!! Yeah, crazy, I know. And what's scary is that this really is the entire plan. There is no catch at the broke end of this tunnel. This is it. This is all.
The best part (wait for it) is that to fund this little adventure I need to give up my fabulous apartment (which houses ALL my shoes) and live with my mom (love you Mom!) for the next 10-12 months so that I can pay off my debt and save money. sigh...
But (yes there is a "but"), to my benefit, I am a planner by nature, so, while I have no foresight into my future beyond the potential of a life in a beautiful country, I can at least make the process of getting (and landing) there as smooth as possible.
So I created a checklist:
We'll see how that works out.
What am I doing now, you ask? Well, I've decided to work on the following (3) things; Learning Italian, Saving Money, Settling Debts. So far I'm doing great! Molto Bene!! Sono impressionanti!!
OK, OK, with all of this being said (and done), I have to say... I am excited.
Keeping it real, I believe that action causes re-action. Since I've made this decision I've been meeting people who've done what I am going to do. I have friends who've started catering to my goals; sharing information, sharing opportunities and giving me support and love.
But most importantly, I've noticed that I'm different. Focused. Ironically, I feel like I'm settling into a life. I rarely feel settled because I always feel restless about my life, my future and living to my potential.
It's dawned on me that maybe unsettling my life is what I need to find my place in it.
The best part (wait for it) is that to fund this little adventure I need to give up my fabulous apartment (which houses ALL my shoes) and live with my mom (love you Mom!) for the next 10-12 months so that I can pay off my debt and save money. sigh...
But (yes there is a "but"), to my benefit, I am a planner by nature, so, while I have no foresight into my future beyond the potential of a life in a beautiful country, I can at least make the process of getting (and landing) there as smooth as possible.
So I created a checklist:
- Live in Italy (stop---you can't stay for more than 90 days- shit...) OK, let's start over...
- Find a job (that failed; there are no jobs for ex-pats in Italy; only shopping)
- Find a job (OK, i can teach English)
- Learn how to teach English - no seriously: TEFL
- Get a Work Visa (hahahahahaha...)
- Find a place to sleep - http://www.easystanza.it/
- Learn Italian - (good luck with that one...)
- What I know - which is nothing
- What I know I don't know - which is allot
- What I don't know I know - which is that rare common sense thing
- What I don't know, I don't know - this one is just cruel...
We'll see how that works out.
What am I doing now, you ask? Well, I've decided to work on the following (3) things; Learning Italian, Saving Money, Settling Debts. So far I'm doing great! Molto Bene!! Sono impressionanti!!
OK, OK, with all of this being said (and done), I have to say... I am excited.
Keeping it real, I believe that action causes re-action. Since I've made this decision I've been meeting people who've done what I am going to do. I have friends who've started catering to my goals; sharing information, sharing opportunities and giving me support and love.
But most importantly, I've noticed that I'm different. Focused. Ironically, I feel like I'm settling into a life. I rarely feel settled because I always feel restless about my life, my future and living to my potential.
It's dawned on me that maybe unsettling my life is what I need to find my place in it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Too much time/ Too little time
This is a good moment to blog my next entry. I feel a little defeated and a little restless; mostly impatient and disengaged from the life I've created - the people I know and the people I meet.
I was sure I'd feel emotional and sad when moving out of my apartment. But I think I'd mentally prepared for that day. Going to my favorite Oakland haunts, walking the streets, sitting in the park -- saying Goodbye. So when the day came to leave, I walked out of the apartment with nary a fare thee well.
I've still got some emotional baggage and trash to clean up in the apartment but for the most part I'm done.
No, in this moment I feel old. And tired.
I hate this part of my life.
Now that I've made the committment and am seeing the ripple effect of change in my thinking, in my spending, in the people I'm meting; all of a sudden it seems like I have too much time and too little time before I can leave.
There is too much time to have to come to work. Too much time to have to lose the freedom and independence of my own apartment. Too much time alone. Too much time spent explaining and justifying my decision. Rationalizing my future -- all hinged on a bet of self discovery and enlightenment.
There is too little time to learn a new language. Too little time to secure employment. Too little time to gain my certifications. Too little time to make arrangements for living abroad. Too little time to pay off my debt and save a healthy nest egg.
Too little time to be afraid.
I'm ready now and I'm no where near ready. It is the juxtaposition of my life right now. An intrapersonal conflict - being torn between "want" and "should".
How often do we sit in this place? Wishing for one thing only to get trapped by the reality of another. Reality sitting on your face.
The million dollar question is "what do you do to survive the time?".
Hmmmmmm, maybe I should start there...
I was sure I'd feel emotional and sad when moving out of my apartment. But I think I'd mentally prepared for that day. Going to my favorite Oakland haunts, walking the streets, sitting in the park -- saying Goodbye. So when the day came to leave, I walked out of the apartment with nary a fare thee well.
I've still got some emotional baggage and trash to clean up in the apartment but for the most part I'm done.
No, in this moment I feel old. And tired.
I hate this part of my life.
Now that I've made the committment and am seeing the ripple effect of change in my thinking, in my spending, in the people I'm meting; all of a sudden it seems like I have too much time and too little time before I can leave.
There is too much time to have to come to work. Too much time to have to lose the freedom and independence of my own apartment. Too much time alone. Too much time spent explaining and justifying my decision. Rationalizing my future -- all hinged on a bet of self discovery and enlightenment.
There is too little time to learn a new language. Too little time to secure employment. Too little time to gain my certifications. Too little time to make arrangements for living abroad. Too little time to pay off my debt and save a healthy nest egg.
Too little time to be afraid.
I'm ready now and I'm no where near ready. It is the juxtaposition of my life right now. An intrapersonal conflict - being torn between "want" and "should".
How often do we sit in this place? Wishing for one thing only to get trapped by the reality of another. Reality sitting on your face.
The million dollar question is "what do you do to survive the time?".
Hmmmmmm, maybe I should start there...
Monday, July 18, 2011
A first time blogger
It surprised me how quickly you can set up a blog. I didn't expect it to be so easy. I thought it would be mounds of needless confusion requiring a brainiac or at least a web savvy slickster. But, it was surprisingly easy. Even the choices were simple; and I've learned that I-like-simple.
Why have I done this? Started a blog? Well I've decided to alter the course of my life. Drastically and without any probes into the consequence it can have - which is so not me. I weigh risks and make decisions based upon the best outcome or least impactful, least painful; prefering most fruitfull and most safe. With this change I won't have a clear path to walk. No ideas of grandiosity in a chosen field to pursue, no educational plans to upskill my abilities, no sure fire direction I can march to... nope, I'm stepping out on faith and a prayer that this will all "work out" and that my path will materialize - waiting for me.
As a consummate planner this will be the test of my lifetime. I do this because I know my dreams won't survive if I don't do this. And so I am afraid.
And so it begins...
Why have I done this? Started a blog? Well I've decided to alter the course of my life. Drastically and without any probes into the consequence it can have - which is so not me. I weigh risks and make decisions based upon the best outcome or least impactful, least painful; prefering most fruitfull and most safe. With this change I won't have a clear path to walk. No ideas of grandiosity in a chosen field to pursue, no educational plans to upskill my abilities, no sure fire direction I can march to... nope, I'm stepping out on faith and a prayer that this will all "work out" and that my path will materialize - waiting for me.
As a consummate planner this will be the test of my lifetime. I do this because I know my dreams won't survive if I don't do this. And so I am afraid.
And so it begins...
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