How do you enter a world of fantasy and retain yourself

Time for a face lift

I think it's time for my blog to have a face lift and represent the woman who I've become over the past nine months.  Since I started this blog I've integrated in the SF Fashion scene and accepted my fate to rise in the Fashion world.  The thought of what I want to accomplish (AT MY AGE) is daunting. Deciding to pursue a career in a youth obsessed industry just seems stupid.  But so be it.  "To improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid". (Epictetus)
I'm 90 days, 12 short weeks from leaving.  And I am more determined to set off than when I started.  Now there isn't enough time for anything. 
So I'll keep to my 90 day plan and I'll create the blog this journey deserves.  Hopefully by committing to this adventure and building this blog to tell my story others will come to share it with me.

Relationships are hard - don't rely on Italy

As a 38 year old woman looking to unsettle an unsettled life I fear what is down the road for me.  Moving to Italy will be about me and making a future for myself, not about finding love but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope love will come to me there. 
What frightens me is the ever turning marriage/ divorce situation throughout America.  Love and Marriage just doesn't seem to work.  And it isn't always about infidelity, it's anything that makes you believe less in your ideal relationship.  And you start to feel like you're settling.   
Relationships are hard.  And as I get older, they become scarcer.  I had a date ask why I hadn't been in a relationship in 3 years and I really didn't have an answer. I can say to myself that I don't want to get involved  because I'm leaving, but when I leave I'm not sure I'd be any more open to love. 
And Italy can't solve that for me. 

Shiny Red Ball Syndrom

Oh I'm so bad at blogging.  This is much more difficult than I imagined.  I want to say "this just might not be for everyone" and give up but I actually WANT to do this.  I actually think I could be good at it (if I could just focus).  Focus being the operative word.  I think I have the Shiny Red Ball Syndrom.  I can start out all gung ho on a project, a book, ROSETTA STONE and then boom - a shiny red ball goes by and I lose all focus.  
I'll need to find reinforcements...

Fashion Exposure

One of the many things I committed to doing was gaining exposure to the Fashion Industry.  While I intend this trip to be an opportunity to discover what I want to do with the next phase of my life, I cannot deny my love of fashion and the possibility that Fashion is where I belong right now.  So, while in San Francisco I've decided to see where I could volunteer, intern, donate time so that I can get that exposure.
It's funny, as soon as I put a feeler out there, I've had some really nice people say that I could come in and hang with them for a day, be a part of the dreams to put photo shoots and shows on.  I'm really excited because I realize that this is all going to come true.  I guess now we'll see what happens next.

Here's hoping.  I'll keep you posted!

A stray thought...

What about fashion design?

The Recognition Dinner becomes the recognition of change

I received a formal invitation from my CEO and the SVP of my department to attend a private event at a fancy hotel including Cocktails, Canapes and Dinner to recognize the work I, and 40 other people, did to successfully separate our single company into two distinct entities.  Not surprsingly I was one of the few African Americans in attendance (my CFO was one of them) but at my table I was the lone African American female.  What did me in was the mixture of people; all caucasian.  Besides one other woman, the table of 10 was all male. 
Funnily enough I'd forgotton all about the event until my VP reminded me.  My department was hosting a "town hall" that day at a BOWLING ALLEY (JEEZ!!)  and I'd worn jeans and a company henley -  not at all appropriate for Cocktails and Canapes!!  So I went to a high end consignment shop and purchased a second hand silk crepe sleeveless black wrap dress with the perfect crickled effect, a pair of second hand Jimmy Choo sandles, rhinestone earings I clipped onto the waste wrap tie for "bling" and a cheap gold chain neclace I wrapped around my wrist to create a bracelet.  I was chic and loving it!  At my table I was surrounded by executives, managers, and sharp individual contributers all wearing (including the only other female) hideous variations of the classic button down suit shirt.  Stripes, patterns, color blocks.  No ties or tailored suit jackets, french cuffs or tailored vests.  It was like they all wanted you to know that they were professional but not stuffy.  They were "leaders" but not too rigid; never out of place in corporate America.  They were cardboard cut-outs of corporate drones with no personalities and no sense of individuality. 
I realized then how much we give up of ourselves to fit into the "work world" and be successful.  As I sat there in my chic attire, receiving many compliments on my clearly appropriate fashion choices I was again the minority.  I realized I was as vocal and diverse in my work ethic as I was in my fashion sense.  And again I felt very lonely and out of place.  I was transported to one of my favorite movies, "Working Girl".  "You're the first woman I've seen in one of these things that dresses like a woman, not like a woman thinks a man would dress if he was a woman..." Jack Trainer (played by Harrison Ford). LOL...
I'm ambivalent to work now.  Confused by the lack of diversity in an ever changing world and an increasing growing global society.  Companies spout diversity but they have no real interest in creating diversity within their organzations; although they know they won't survive without it.  When I say diversity, I don't just mean race.  I mean the things that make us special, unique, human.   At this event, everyone was dressed alike; akin to the leader, the CEO, who was clearly conservative but wants to be "relatable" to the many Contact Center workers that dominate our company population and are now spread throughout the country; Oklahoma, Utah, Nevada, Delaware, New Jersey.  We are no longer a "California based company" and yet we still won't diversify our thinking, our staff.  Everyone is still the same, generating the same ideas. 
My colleage told me that he read an article that said if you speak up (3) three times in every meeting you are more likely to get promoted.  Then he jokingly said, I don't understand why you havent been promoted yet.  (hahahaha).  It is well known and widely spread that I ask questions, I speak up.  His statement sticks with me for some reason.  Maybe because I don't understand why I havent yet been promoted either.  But it leads me full cicle to where I am today. 
For fashion and the opportunity work within the industry and to see if it is my passion life; I'd take any shit job to get in the door and learn.  For HR where I've dedicated ten (10) years, I'm not willing to move to another role to broaden my horizon for the possibility of becoming an Executive.  Fuck HR. 
But It does raise the question.  Am I being passed over at the mistake of my leaders?  Or are they right in that there is "something" holding me back from being the superstar; a something I'm not willing to push for to get that next level role.  Maybe it's all true. 
It is for this reason and many others that it's time for me to go...